Thursday, December 22, 2011

Walking tickling time bomb.

Tried to do my best as a human being, but gaining attention and affection is like rocket science to me. Never cheated a girl in my life, but none ever gave me a chance.

Isn't it nice if we can switch off these self-destructing emotive chemicals in our brain at will?

I'm falling victim to what I loathe as emo-ing douchebag. Emoing are for pussies. Yet I'm trying hard to be something that I am not.

Almost few times in a week I'd wish I'd taken place my brother who died in an accident. It should've been me, even though he is a temperamental kid, he had much to live for. I am past my prime in my age, and I think I must've accumulated quite a number of bad karma for me to be still in a fucked up state.

I've been a walking time bomb for so many years its a wonder I'm still alive. Until when?

Monday, December 19, 2011

Good friends

The Tchaikovsky 6 that I watched change my life again. I've been so fortunate to witness not so rarely concerts where routine, facade and facelessness gave way to abandonment of expression and spirit. And I've always admired Claus Peter Flor whom despite polarizing opinions about him, I'd expect something quite opposite of the sterile dullness of Mathias Bamert's reign.

I've come to accept that I will never be somewhat a decent class performer of sorts. It has always been my mission to be a teacher or some sort of mentor. Mentor in a sense to mould people who would become 10 times better than me at least and achieve things that I would never dream or thought of. And life has a musician has always been very difficult and most people in my shoes would have given up this path, but I know since music nourished me and sustained me long whom without I would've been extinct for some time.

I'm very grateful for the oboist friend, despite the fact he is a highly experienced and accomplished musician, our friendship never diminished in all years we knew each other. He probably accorded me with same respect with his peers of same level and accomplishment despite the fact I am just an ordinary talentless musician. And I was quite honoured to play in his house recital and have a MPO musician to compliment my playing.

I am quite fortunate to have known a number of good potential juniors in my orchestra who took my advice and guidance seriously and I know with these kids the orchestra will blossom in a good direction. Good riddance to people who prioritizes their trifle affairs over the long term potential that this orchestra could be if they put sacrifices into it.